the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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