you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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