too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
