shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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