i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I just gargled with NyQuil
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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