I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
