Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
