the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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