3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
