I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
