I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
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