Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
