My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
