JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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