It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
