Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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