If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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