explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
