I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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