Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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