I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
