I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
