Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
