when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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