I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
