i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
