sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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