I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Randomize
