It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
