the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
