you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I think I just sharted jello shots
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