You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
