i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
