The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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