My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
So squirting runs in the family.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
last night I used snow as a chaser
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