me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
