did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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