Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
