Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
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