So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
