When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
