My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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