It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
