Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
