turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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