i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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