I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
