BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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