When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Randomize
