: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
